On choice: setting boundaries, saying no and discussions over (very cool orange) shoes
One of the most important things we need to do as parents is set boundaries for our children.
In many respects this is actually one of our key jobs as a parent.
There is no science to this – as much as some of the pop-up ads that keep appearing on my laptop would tend to suggest. In fact, I would say learning how to set boundaries for our kids is more an art than a science. There are guidelines we can use but how we put them in practice will vary in every family and even with every kid.
It’s a continuum from ‘always yes’ to ‘always no’.
In my own experience with my littlest one over the last few weeks we’ve had a few no’s lately and a number of conditional yes’s.
I’ll start with the ‘always no’ as they’re generally the easiest.
He’s been knawing on his whole hand lately – so yes, there are new teeth coming through. The other week he was sitting next to me on a bench in a café holding my arm in his lap. He bent down and started chewing on my coat sleeve. It made sense as the coat had a good texture to provide some to chew against. That said, baby teeth are strong and can make holes so I told him to stop and gave him a crust to chew on. Then, as we’re leaving he wanted to be carried. As we’re walking out to the car with his head on my shoulder he bit my shoulder. Again, I can see why he might have done it if his teeth were sorry but biting people is an ‘always no’ in my book. I put him down and told him – quite firmly – that he wasn’t to bite people. He’s a good listener so he stopped, and hasn’t bitten me since.
So, that’s the no – they’re pretty easy.
The ‘always yes’ are also pretty easy. Examples include – you can always have a hug if you want one. I don’t really need to spend time on those I think. Though if you think I do let me know in the comments and I’ll write more.
It’s the middle bits that are hard. The grey area that are sometimes yes and sometimes no. “Hey – you might be thinking – that sounds like life in general?” In which case I would say “Yes! It is.” Some black and white and lots of grey…
So, what are some of his recent grey areas?
A general grey area for me is food. Different kids like different foods. Makes sense to me. After all, different adults like different foods!
I’m always wanting my kids to try different foods but, if they don’t like them, they don’t have to eat them. That said, I’m not going to cook my kids a totally different meal to what I’m eating. It’s a grey area. My son likes some of the things that I like and doesn’t like others. That’s fine though. There’s enough overlap that we’re able to sort out a good meal plan that serves us both.
The latest grey area has been footwear. “Footwear?” you might be asking. Yes – footwear.
My son seems to really have a thing for footwear. He loves his shoes!! And boots, never forget the boots!!
He has two favorites at the moment – a pair of bright yellow boots and a pair of orange sports shoes. You can see them in the pictures in this post.
The orange sports shoes were brought recently because he saw them at a consignment store we were at and he actually physically brought them over to me. (hint, hint – Dad, I think you should buy these…) They’re a little bit big for him yet but he really loved them so I bought them for him to grow into them.
He loves them so much that the other day when he woke up the first thing he said as he sat up was ‘hu?’(Maori for shoe) – with his little hands open in a shrug – basically saying “Dad, where are my shoes?” So, we had to go find them and put them on. So there he is wondering about the apartment in his onesie with his orange sport shoes on. And, man was he happy!! He kept pointing down occasionally at his shoes that whole morning and looking at me and saying ‘hu’ then beaming a big smile at me.
They’re not super big on him and he can run and walk fine in them – and he’ll fit them fully soon enough (growing kids and the rate through which they move through clothes might be a later post!) but they’re still a little big on them. That he said, he loves them so much I do let him wear them occasionally. You should see his smile when he gets to wear them.
The other day as we were walking down the street wearing his very cool shoes he’d stop in front of people and point at his bright orange shoes and proudly say ‘hu!’
Shoes that are a little bit big but bring him so much joy are a ‘sometimes yes’. This is where our decision-making ‘art’ as parents comes into play in terms of setting bounds for our kids. Diagrammatically this looks like this:
Always no – biting
Always yes – hugs
Sometimes yes – wearing slightly large orange sports shoes
It’s just a matter of learning as you go. In the case of his shoes – if they impeded his walking at all I wouldn’t allow him to wear them – but being just a little big for him they’re fine. There’s no hard and fast line on that one. That’s where the science becomes an art.
Setting bounds for our kids as they grow is a really important of our role as parents in there lives. There’s going to be a lot of grey in there though. And that’s fine. After all, that’s what life is like – there are always lots of greys…
And, we live in the Pacific Northwest anyway, grey is our color!
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